The Innsmouth Tarot, Part 6 - The Suit of Storms

The suit of Storms is the set of cards which govern and reveal the emotions of the world. It equates to the suit of Cups, or hearts, in a traditional card deck and is associated with the Ancient Greek element of water. As before, the court cards comprise various identities from the Cthulhu Cult legends as do the other suits, and the number cards all have their own individual meanings.

Again, unlike the Shadows suit, there remain extant cards in the sets that have been recovered. Because of this, known cards can be reproduced in new forms and not merely speculated upon. The grimoires which have been recovered also speak of the various cards and so they can be regenerated with a fair degree of accuracy; where no cards exist and no reference can be found, we have had to extrapolate upon the rest of the information that we have to hand.

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The Ace of Storms

The Kester Library set of cards contains only two of the aces used in the Innsmouth Tarot and this is the second of those (the other being the Ace of Flames). With these two cards we were able to extrapolate how the other aces would appear in the traditional deck.

The divinatory meaning of this card is Joy, Fertility, Opulence and Happiness. It stands for fulfilment and perfection. When inverted, it signifies change, erosion, instability, sterility and unrequited love.

The Two of Storms

Thunder and lightning work together to lend ferocity and empowerment to the storm. They form an ideal partnership and reflect the harmonious working of storm forces.

Likewise, this card represents an ideal working partnership of forces or natures of quite different aspects. This is a card of love and passion, and can signify the start of a new relationship, an engagement or marriage; in business, it betokens a powerful and dynamic working relationship. Upside-down, this card symbolises disunity; a failed or troubled relationship, false friendship, separation, or divorce.

The Three of Storms

When the storm concludes, the world is bathed by the healing balm of the Sun. In rituals for the worship of Dagon, the conclusion of the rite is signified by a blessing and an arm movement by the high priest called the gesture of the Sun Wheel. It is thought that the Kester Library set of cards provides a glimpse of what this gesture might entail, however the information is too scant for it to have formed the basis of this card’s imagery.

This card symbolises a period of healing, or solace after a loss. It speaks of the resolution of a problem; a conclusion and fulfilment. When inverted, it represents excessive pleasures, overabundance and gluttonous excess. It can signify redundancy, superfluity, a loss of prestige and delays.

The Four of Storms

The maelstrom is a colossal barrier to one’s progress. While drawing its victims into its fathomless depths, it forces them to fight constantly to win free, all the while viewing the calamity ahead.

The meaning of this card is weariness, aversion, disgust and disappointment. It speaks of unhappiness in one’s present position; a bitter experience of which one must win clear. Upside-down, it indicates new possibilities or new relationships; it reveals new approaches to old problems.

The Five of Storms

No wind, no current: the doldrums offer nothing in the way of forward movement or progress. The text of the Newburyport set card makes this notion clear.

The divinatory meaning of this card is partial loss and regret. It reveals friendship without real meaning, or marriage without real love. It speaks of an imperfection, or flaw, in one’s life. Alternatively, it can betoken an inheritance. When reversed, it signals a hopeful outlook, favourable expectations and new alliances.

The Six of Storms

The waterspout symbolises a transition from one state to another, specifically from water to the air. In this regard, it talks about memory and things of the past.

The meaning of this card is the influence of memory and past lives: it can speak of a sudden remembrance or re-emergence, nostalgia, or the discovery of things that were lost. It also references the transition from being a child to adulthood. When inverted, this card betokens the future: coming events and new opportunities; new vistas and horizons. It also talks of plans which might fail in their execution.

The Seven of Storms

Fata Morgana are visions which appear in the sky, of objects beyond the horizon, refracted by the light of the Sun to appear as if they are hovering overhead. In ancient days, mariners believed these mirages were the work of witches attempting to lure them overboard with visions of rich cities and floating castles. The legend of the Flying Dutchman is said to have begun due to an instance of one of these illusions, as the card from the Newburyport set indicates.

This card reveals unrealistic attitudes, overactive imaginations at work, daydreams and foolish whims. Inverted, it stands for desire and determination; strong willpower; a goal nearly attained.

The Eight of Storms

The typhoon thrashes everything with which it comes into contact. Anything insecurely anchored will come to ruin.

This card signifies disappointment and the cessation of plans: circumstances which force abandonment of one’s goals and purpose. It also indicates modesty or shyness. Upside-down, it heralds happiness; effort continued until full success is attained.

The Nine of Storms

Heavy rain falls to replenish supplies, to water crops and to soothe the parched soil. This card represents abundance, success, good health and material attainment. When reversed, the card speaks of a loss of well-being; mistakes, loss and imperfection. A misplaced truth or false freedom.

The Ten of Storms

The eye of the hurricane is a break in the discord of one’s life. It represents a momentary pause before re-entering the hurly-burly of existence.

The meaning of this card is happiness, joy and contentment; a time of pleasure, peace and love. Within the circle of one’s family it betokens balance and harmony. When inverted, this card stands for pettiness, unhappiness and rage. It signifies quarrels amid family members or friends and a possible loss of those relationships.

Othuum - The Jack of Storms

The figure of Othuum in the Deep Ones’ myth-cycle is nebulous and hard to pin down. It seems to be a servant of Cthulhu, coming to that entity’s defense when necessary; however certain texts refer to it as a “demon” which has all the expected negative connotations. Even the appearance of the being is vague, with some sources indicating that it has two legs and others four. All sources agree that it is susceptible to attacks by fire and so, a place in the Storms suit is appropriate.

There is a sense that Othuum exists in another dimension and serves Cthulhu from there, as the “Great Master Of Those Who Wait Without”. Certainly, sources talk of Othuum contacting individuals only through dreams and its nebulous description may have something to do with its extradimensional status.

This card stands for a studious and intent person, willing to offer services and effort towards a specific goal. It symbolises loyalty, reflection and deep thought. When turned upside-down it speaks of temporary distractions, deviations from the true course and susceptibility to outside forces.

Ubb - The Knight of Storms

Along with Deep Ones, Cthulhu is served by another race of beings known to us from the Ponape Scriptures as the “Yuggya”. These are a race of deep-dwelling slug-like creatures who burrow through the earth or swim the great depths of the oceans but who rarely emerge into the open air. It is not known from where they came or how they arrived on Earth, but it is likely that they arrived at the same time as their master, the Great Old One Cthulhu.

That these creatures are intelligent cannot be doubted, given that they actively serve Cthulhu and its offspring. The Deep One scriptures talk of Ubb, the leader of the Yuggya, and Deep One legends speak of communication and co-operation between the two races in service of their sleeping deity. It’s possible that certain tales of the Norse Kraken might have given rise to stories about Ubb.

The divinatory meaning of this card is the arrival of an opportunity: an invitation, proposal or challenge will soon appear. This could also take the form of an attraction, appeal, or inducement. Inverted, the card speaks of subtle trickery and artifice; a sly and cunning person, bent upon trickery, deception and fraud.

Nctosa - The Queen of Storms

Along with Nctolhu, Nctosa is one of the twin female entities sired by Cthulhu and now – according to legend – trapped within a huge storm on a distant planet, widely theorised to be Jupiter. Little is known about this enigmatic pair, but, like all of Cthulhu’s kin, they are said to have some dynamic role during the mythical “end times” of this planet.

This card symbolises a warm-hearted and fair person associated with the questioner. Usually female, this person is a good friend, known for their practical nature and honesty. It might signify one’s beloved in a romantic relationship. Upside-down, the card indicates faithlessness and dishonesty, possible immorality, dishonour and unreliability.

“The Father Of All Sharks” - The King of Storms

The third avatar of the Great Old One Cthulhu is a manifestation known as “The Father Of All Sharks”. It appears as a grotesquely oversized Great White Pointer Shark, traditionally as savage as it is gigantic. Interestingly, this creature may not be as mythical as its place in Deep One dogma might indicate.

In the Christian Bible’s Book of Job, a similar entity is referenced as Leviathan, an enormous undersea monster and companion horror to its land-based cousin Behemoth (B’moth?). Once more we are forced to recognise the possibility that the mythology of Deep One religious life has been alive in the world for, not hundreds, but thousands of years.

Cryptozoological researchers have posited for some time that a gigantic species of shark continues to thrive in the deeper oceans of the planet. They theorise that a relict species of a shark forebear – known from the fossil record as Megalodon – has somehow survived to the present day. They cite recent research of the migration patterns of Great White sharks in the waters south of Australia where several tagged and very large specimens have mysterious vanished after entering deep water in the Great Australian Bight. As well, this evocative image from a World War Two German film has been circulating the Internet in recent days and tends to lend support to such a theory having some basis in fact.

This card represents a responsible and professional man in the life of the questioner. This figure might be renowned in business, the law, the arts, religion or science, but whatever field they inhabit, they are reliable effective and kindly. When inverted, the card stands for petulance, a highly-strung nature; double-dealing, dishonesty and injustice. In certain circumstances it reveals a scandal, loss and ruin.

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Folklore doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is dependent upon the social life of the communities wherein it thrives and is nurtured. Past lore and present interpretations alter and change the structure of the mythology and much of the information is not written down or recorded in any medium. Most folklore is transmitted orally and, whenever a death occurs in the community, much that is precious vanishes with the deceased.

Book research can only take the student so far. The published work of those gone before –academics who entered the communities to speak with the natives and write down their legendry – can only take the researcher so far. At some point, they must step forth amongst the people and make contact with the lore-keepers in the community directly.

At the Miskatonic Folklore Field Study unit, we depend on a core group of keen interns, tasked with getting out into the field and meeting with the folklore generators of the New England nexus. They are selected for this delicate work, not only for their demonstrated academic rigour, but also for their interpersonal skills and powers of diplomacy and tact. A reasonable level of fitness is also required, as trudging through the back-roads of a New England summer can certainly take its toll!

Our Innsmouth Tarot project would not have been possible without the invaluable research conducted by Abigail Garrison and her diligent team, comprising Eliott Kwong, Emily Brookner, Zhao Zichang, and the twins, Indira and Persis Bhattercharjee.

To Be Continued...

The Innsmouth Tarot, Part 5 - The Major Arcana 3

While our main sources for this tarot deck are the commonplace books and chapbooks that have proliferated in the New England nexus – along with what few extant cards have survived the passage of years – there are other texts which have surrendered their secrets in order to help inform the production and revival of the practise. These are texts specifically related to the mythos which underscores the Deep One faith, locally known as the Esoteric Order of Dagon.

These also, have been produced locally as chapbooks, useful as instruction for those new to the faith, or for long-time adherents, in much the same fashion as the Christian faith has its prayer-books, hymnals and psalteries, not to mention Bibles. Copies of these books reside in the Orne Library at Miskatonic University, but are found throughout the Massachusetts and Rhode Island region, as well as in collections overseas.

The Teachings of the Esoteric Order of Dagon

Author unknown

London, nd. (c.1580)

Octavo; quarter-bound in calf with marbled boards with gilt spine titling; 128pp., untrimmed.

Residing in London’s British Museum, this is perhaps the earliest printed version of this work to be found. Written in the language of Shakespeare, it comprises much of the ritual and devotional proceedings relevant to a typical religious service worshipping Dagon, as well as some liturgical views of the organised religion outlining the background to the faith. It is clearly meant to be read by newcomers to the religion and the theological arguments are kept to a minimum.

Within can be found a complete myth-cycle concerning Cthulhu and its extended “family”, with references to other entities such as “The Unspeakable One”, “Azag-Thoth” and “Saint Toad”. As well, the nature of the Deep One life cycle is discussed in relatively fulsome detail.

Originally circulated as chapbook in printed wrappers, this copy was re-bound sometime in the Nineteenth Century and was donated to the Museum by a previous owner, Titus Crow. Another version of this work, translated into Spanish and printed in Toledo in 1610, is also kept within the British Museum holdings.

Invocations to Dagon

Asaph Waite

Innsmouth MA, 1826

Duodecimo; in printed wrappers; 24pp., untrimmed.

This chapbook, printed in Innsmouth in 1826, resides in the Orne Library of Miskatonic University. Its delicate condition means that it is currently on the Restricted List, lest any further damage accrues to it.

The contents of the work are very slight, comprising as they do only the spoken sections of a typical Order of Dagon service. Interestingly, there are far more verses here than can be found in the Teachings of the Esoteric Order of Dagon, including a rare reference to Cthylla, an entity which is seldom mentioned in the canon, if at all. Most of the “Cthulhu family” are mentioned, including Idh-Yaa, Ghatanathoa (as “Ghanta”), Zoth-Ommog and Ythogtha.

The difficult esoteric language of the original text is here “done into” English and verbal responses to the ritual activities of the Dagon service offer subtle insights into Deep One society. Unlike the Teachings, where the verbal elements of the rituals are written phonetically, this is a direct translation of the tongue-twisting invocations.

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Card 11 – The Taint

The Taint has many names – locally it is referred-to as “The Innsmouth Look” - but it is a reference to the physically similar appearance that communities of nascent Deep Ones project to the rest of the world. Bulbous, unblinking eyes, weak chins, rubbery features and a receding forehead, are all typical of the Deep One genotype and readily identify the nature of the community.

Government research in the post-1928 era, identified the Taint as an aggressively-dominant chromosomal phenotype, obliterating other hereditary markers with an almost viral ferocity.

Within the tribe, such features are taken as signs of belonging, hallmarks of the community presence; Deep One communities acknowledge and welcome those who express similar features as members of their own race. Within these communities, the Taint is something looked proudly upon, as an indicator of the strength and integrity of the social fabric and its durability.

The Newburyport set of cards has the usual blunt description to offer.

This card symbolises strength and fortitude. It speaks of energy, virility, determination and the ability to endure despite all obstacles. It sometimes indicates spiritual power and zeal. Confidence and self-reliance are the keywords here: the overcoming of material power and the triumph of love over hate.

Inverted: When upside-down, quite naturally this card signifies weakness and pettiness: the succumbing to temptation. At some times it means tyranny or the abuse of power, a lack of faith and the discord that results.

Card 12 – Sacrifice

The strong communal bond of the Deep Ones is often prey to outside pressures: religious bigotry opposed to their faith or ill-informed observers who denounce their lifestyle as too different for their narrow minds to encompass. A threat to any one member of the social tapestry is a threat to all.

Strange then to realise that amongst Deep Ones there is an understanding that sometimes one individual can be sacrificed in order to save the majority. Deep Ones have a fatalistic worldview which can prompt them to great acts of bravery when a hazard to the community can be ameliorated by the sacrifice of a single life. Not that any Deep One would heedlessly throw away its existence: as immortal beings, life is not a cheap commodity.

The interpretation of this card is life suspended; efforts, or a marshalling of forces towards a goal which may well not be attained. It speaks of transition, of the re-evaluation of one’s life and one’s place within it. The sense of the card is one of improvement: the abandoning of ideas or ideals towards a better outcome.

Inverted: When upside-down, this card speaks of a pre-occupation with the ego; an unwillingness to give of one’s self, or to make the necessary effort. It can also indicate a false prophecy.

Card 13 – The Final Death

The physical existence of the Deep Ones is complex and involved; the notion of death has very different connotations within their communities.

A person with the Taint begins life as a normal human being – growing, developing, creating an earthly existence. At some point, this ‘normal’ life begins to come apart: physical changes; mental changes, and a psychic imperative begin to draw the nascent being out of their routine and bring them closer into contact with their imminent lifestyle. The leaving of this first life is sometimes referred to as “the first death”. As mentioned elsewhere, if this initial transformation takes place away from a support network, it can be quite traumatic.

Once the Change has fully taken place, the Deep One heads out to the undersea life in Y’han’thlei, there to begin an immortal existence beneath the waves. Most Deep Ones feel that this eternal life is their reward and to die before attaining this goal is a deeply felt loss by all members of the community; it can fire a strong sense of vengeance within them.

There is another type of death, however, and this is often called the Final Death. Strangely, it hearkens back to a spiritual notion which was current during the Ancient Egyptian civilisation, and once more throws into sharp relief the sheer potential age of the Deep One traditions. The Ancient Egyptians saw death as a matter of degree: one could be mostly dead, somewhat dead, or completely dead, and this last state was much to be feared. Degrees of mortality depended upon the level at which one was recognised within the community: being ‘known’ was to be a functioning aspect of reality and to be alive. In this sense, the Pharaoh was the ‘most alive’ person in Egypt since everybody knew him and contributed to his existence. This helps explain the practice among the Egyptians of effacing monuments to those fallen into displeasure or disrepute – once all signs to remind others of their existence were gone, they too were finally, completely, extinct.

The key to being alive was to contribute. The Egyptians placed much value on helping others and working for others and for the state. In the Books of the Dead, during the ordeal known as the “Weighing of the Heart before Osiris”, one’s deeds were examined and, if found wanting, the essence of the person awaiting admission to the Afterlife - their “Ba” – was thrown into the jaws of an hideous monster to be devoured and removed from Reality forever. With nothing of them left to be recognised, they could no longer be known and therefore became utterly, irrevocably dead.

The Ancient Egyptians recognised this ‘degree of death’ scenario in daily life and were quick to respond to individuals who withdrew from social contact and interaction, due either to depression, despair, or some other cause. Such individuals were considered to have ‘died’ somewhat and to have passed – at least partially – beyond the realm of the living. The Deep Ones also recognise such individuals as being ‘dead to the community’ and often take pains to alleviate the situation if possible. Exile – whether self-imposed or otherwise – and distancing are greatly feared among the Deep Ones. To die alone and without the knowledge of one’s peers is a thing to avoid at all costs. To be unknown is to be unmade, as if one never were.

This card symbolises the clearing away of old structures to make for the new. On some level it can stand for loss, failure or mishap, while on others it can stand for the death of the old self, although not necessarily in a physical sense. While sometimes it means bodily death, at other times it heralds the beginning of a new era.

Inverted: When upside-down, this card indicates stagnation or the unwillingness – or inability – to change. It can also mean death just avoided or the recovery from a severe illness or injury

Card 14 – Calm Waters

Within the typical Deep One community, the true nature of the society is usually kept sub rosa. Obed Marsh encountered his first Deep One settlement on a South Sea island and, in such a time and place, the whole isle must have conducted its business relatively openly. In a coastal settlement like Innsmouth, where an established authority outside of the settlement would have access to the town, things would have to have been kept very much more clandestine.

The Deep Ones are very good at keeping their secrets. They work hard to maintain a low profile in all things, trying not to attract the sort of attention which would bring unwanted investigators; amongst these folk there is a proverb: “Calm waters attract no fishermen”. The community works hard to maintain a balance between its organic needs and an appearance of benignity; maintaining that balance is an onus that falls upon each and every member of the social network.

This card represents moderation and self-control. It speaks of frugality and the bringing together of disparate parts into a seamless whole.

Inverted: When upside-down, the card symbolises discord, hostility and disunion; a conflict of interests in business or personal affairs, or unfulfilled desires. It points to an inability to work alongside others and a spirit of impatience.

Card 15 – The Unspeakable One

Within the legendry of the Cthulhu Cult, there is a great enmity between the Great Old One Cthulhu and another such entity, which is so reviled that its name is never spoken. It is merely referred to as “He Who Must Not Be Named” or the “Unspeakable One”. It too has its cults and manifestations and the followers of Cthulhu, it is said, struggle to oppose the efforts of these minions. In a very real sense it stands as the Satan figure in the belief systems of the Deep Ones.

Little is known of the appearance or attributes of this creature. It is known to have some association with the star Aldebaran in the constellation of Taurus and that association has formed the basis of this card. In fact the Kester Library card set shows a strange glyph which we have interpreted as a derivation of the constellation, with the central eye standing for Aldebaran. This star appears above the horizon for only a handful of months in a year and Deep One communities are known to refer to this period as the “season of the Devil”. As well, they have a saying – “not while the Devil is watching” – often used to put off activity during this time, but also uttered when some other reviled authority might act as witness to a clandestine event.

This card represents dominance or subordination to another’s will; it speaks of enslavement. It can mean violence, shock, or a fatality; a disaster or downfall. In some instances it can symbolise a weird or astral experience or the action of black magic.

Inverted: The opposite of this card is release from bondage: the throwing off of shackles or the overcoming of insurmountable obstacles. It can represent the beginning of enlightenment and the start of spiritual understanding, or the overcoming of the fear of one’s self.

Card 16 – The Crumbling Cliff

Weakened by the interminable pounding of the sea, the high cliffs crack and fall into the ocean below. What once seemed lofty and insurmountable – almost permanent – is brought low in a spectacular display of destructive power.

This card suggests the breaking down of old structures to make way for the new. It speaks of a loss of stability, a sudden event which destroys trust. The sense of the card is loss – of control, certainty, money and security. 

Inverted: When reversed, the card speaks of oppression; the continuance of an untenable situation. The card indicates an inability to effect necessary change.

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A Note on the Artwork

In compiling the Insmouth Tarot Deck the resources of the Miskatonic University Folklore Field Unit were more than equal to the task, with expertise in literature, anthropology, psychology, philosophy and history; however, the project required more than just the compilation of culled information from various sources – it needed artists to bring the symbolic imagery to life. To that end we looked around for a local, Arkham-based source for our illustrations.

Headed by our artistic director Patricia Swanton, we discovered the Miskatonic Freedom Art Society, a charitable organisation based out of West Church in Main Street, Arkham. This is a mental health initiative which provides free art therapy classes for all those needing the counselling strategies such treatment provides, or just simply seeking mindfulness exercises to help control stress, depression, or anxiety–based dysfunctions. With the help of the staff of this outreach centre, we quickly found a core group of amateur artists willing to take on the challenge of interpreting the images for our tarot deck.

Says Patricia: “The creatures and concepts found in the mythology often have a pleasing radial symmetry which makes them perfect material for a design-centred aesthetic to come to grips with. In a sense, these creatures are no more bizarre than the gryphons or sphinxes, say, of Classical Greek legends.”

We held weekly sessions with our artists, discussing the various cards and their symbolic aspects. At the end of each month we judged the best images presented, thus inspiring a friendly spirit of competition among the illustrators. The winning sketches were scanned, coloured and augmented by our in-house art team and prepared for publication. I’m sure you’ll agree that we’ve managed to distil a striking bunch of visuals from our combined efforts!

To Be Continued...

Review: "The X-Files", 2016

CARTER, Chris (Creator); “The X-Files – The Event Series”, 2016, Twentieth Century Fox

Well, they’re back.

(Wait. I guess I probably should have said “They’re ba-A-ack!” because like some kind of noisy, undead horror they just will not stay down...)

There’s been a lot of talk about getting the band back together as far as this vehicle is concerned and I’m guessing they reached a tipping-point between not doing it and doing it and the ayes took the day. To my mind the original series simply petered out in such a godawful fashion that I would have preferred them to just let it be and to not get back into the ring for one more try. As Yoda said, “do or do not: there is no try” so I guess the ‘let’s do it!’ thinking came out on top.

This “Event Series” was played on free-to-air TV here and I caught the first episode with a sense of trepidation. It’s not that I wasn’t a fan of the show – I own the whole thing on DVD so that should give you an indication - it’s just that, for me, it all broke down into two sections: episodes that were creepy, thought-provoking and very cool (a la “Night Stalker”), and the Mythology episodes (so-called). Watching Scully and Mulder go mano-a-mano with the “there’s a conspiracy!/there is no conspiracy!” two-step was like watching paint dry. Every time they got close to the wizard behind the curtain, the bad guys (the next lot of bad guys) came in and moved the goal posts. By Season Nine, credibility was stretched so thin that there was nothing left to do but just pull the plug and call it a day.

Of course it didn’t help that the two stars were carping on about being typecast and wanting a larger share of the profits, opportunities for movies, bigger trailers, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, any job can get dull after awhile. So Duchovny went off to make a movie about chasing aliens and Anderson spent time with her family before moving into theatre and on to some fantastic BBC dramas. I don’t blame them; and I don’t blame them for wanting to take the old vehicle for another spin around the block.

So I watched the first episode and guess what? It was a by-the-numbers Mythology episode and my eyes started to glaze over. The first episode is a busy talk-fest, with Duchovny rattling through all the old conspiracy stand-bys, disposing of things that don’t work anymore (post 9/11) and ramping-up or adding things that could be hammered into a workable X-Files backstory leading into 2020. All new characters, or any action, introduced in this instalment was secondary to Mulder’s manifesto and I had – as they say – a very bad feeling about all this.

In fact, so put off was I by all this that I chose to ignore the rest of the series. It wasn’t until the other day when I saw the show available on DVD in my local supermarket that I thought I’d give it another try. This time I ignored episode one and jumped straight to episode two. Having chatted up a storm in the previous ep., here Scully and Mulder put theory into practise and go after the new bad guys. They find a covert medical establishment filled with horribly-deformed kids who have been experimented upon using alien DNA. Most of the children are just horribly mutated, but some have super-powers, including a boy who can stimulate auditory nerves using infra-sound and who rescues his telepathic sister from the centre. The evil founder of the institute is killed – getting his just deserts – and the kids escape to start a new life elsewhere. Scully and Mulder go back to the newly-reopened X-Files office to write up their bemusement.

On the whole this was a pretty – meh - episode. It felt like it was just there to carry some stuff over from the pilot and to give the show a reason to re-open the X-Files bureau (also to drag out gallons of latex to make some truly disgusting deformity make-ups). If this show can be considered a body of work, then this is the connective tissue.

Episode three. I had a coffee and sat down squarely before the TV, killed all distractions and got ready to grit my teeth. To my great surprise, this turned out be a pure Monster-Of-The-Week episode and, even better, one written by Darin Morgan! Shades of Jose Chung, this was what the doctor ordered! Right from the start I was captivated – Scully and Mulder track down a were-creature that’s been killing hikers in nearby forests. Fortunately for their investigation, witnesses have provided a sketch of the were-creature; unfortunately, the witnesses are the two stoners who provided equally dubious evidence during the “War of the Coprophages” and at Heuvelman's Lake where poor Queequeg got taken by the Lake Monster.

In this romp, full of Morgan’s trademark unreliable narrations and bait-and-switch finger-pointing, the were-creature is a Tuatara-like lizard-man, played eloquently-enough by Kiwi, Rhys Darby, dressed as Karl Kolchak – when he is dressed – and flattening his vowels like there’s no tomorrow. This was pure magic: Duchovny and Anderson obviously enjoy these stories as their hilarity clearly gets full rein. For once, Anderson doesn’t have to get all teary-eyed about her missing son William while Duchovny tries desperately to keep up with her.

After this, we have a story about a bunch of gentrification do-gooders trying to re-develop a part of Philadelphia by bulldozing and power-hosing all the homeless people out of one district and into another, where they’re equally unwanted. Rocketing to their defense, is the “Nose Band-Aid Trash Man”, a superhumanly strong terrifying figure that shows up in a garbage truck, tears heads and limbs off those who would gain from the homeless tribe’s woes, and then packs himself back into the trash truck while it self-propels into the night. And yes, he has a band-aid on his nose.

Scully gets side-lined by her mother’s death by heart-attack while Mulder takes the running. He tracks down a street artist with the tag “Trash Man” and discovers that this guy believes the monster is a “tulpa”, or thought form, from Buddhist doctrine, raising havoc in the street peoples’ defense. Interestingly, Mulder debunks this straight away, despite it being the rationale for several of his own earlier cases. Either way, the street artist it seems is the one who dreamed up the creature and our dynamic duo eventually convince him to put paid to it. Or does he? This is one of those eerie X-Files episodes that has a very scary core and which only, very shakily, gets resolved...

Next we tackle suicide bombers and, after witnessing a mindless attack of this sort upon a Texan art gallery, we learn one of the bombers – what’s left of him anyway – is still “alive” in a nearby hospital. In Washington, Scully and Mulder are visited by two young FBI agents – Miller and Einstein – keen to know if they have any freaky insights into communicating with the mostly dead. Well, Miller is keen to know, anyway.

Co-ordinating their attack, Scully ensnares Miller while Mulder sidelines Einstein, each with their own takes on somehow finding a means of communicating with the dying bomber. Scully jury-rigs some normal scientific procedures and makes an ECG Monitor do the job of an MRI scanner, and determines that, despite appearances, the bomber is hearing things and responding to them on some level. Mulder convinces Einstein to give him an extract of psilocybin mushrooms to augment his consciousness so as to be able to penetrate the veils between life and quasi-death. The mushroom trip is very amusing, showcasing Duchovny’s boot-scootin’ skills and offering the Lone Gunmen a photo opportunity.

Of course, the “mushroom extract” is a placebo (niacin) and the day is won by all four members of the team pooling their information – however bizarrely obtained – and saving the day. The episode ends with some heavy preaching by Mulder and Scully concerning radicalism and love versus hate, some of which is very prettily written but most of which sounds like axes grinding.

The last episode resolves most of the issues from episode one and is also entitled “My Struggle”. One of the (other) things that bugged me about the original series, was the producers’ fondness for all things Nazi. Any excuse to get the cast into jack-boots and they took it. Shows with creepy German titles, hark-backs to Nazi mysticism – there was always just a tad too much relish being thrown at these features for my liking. The title to these two episodes is a case in point: “My Struggle” in German is “Mein Kampf”. How about that? Got to hand it to Chris ‘Captain Obvious’ Carter, he knows how to wield a blunt instrument.

So, feeling all covered with neo-Nazi ick once more, I clenched my teeth for another Mythology quagmire, and I wasn’t disappointed. In this instalment Cancer Man cries ‘havoc!’ and unleashes the dogs of calculated global decimation, causing outbreaks of anthrax to begin de-populating the Earth. Barely in time, Scully and Einstein work out that alien DNA, added to some people’s smallpox inoculations, will save a minority of humans, so they culture up the DNA that Scully identified in her own genome in episode one and create a vaccine. Just like that. Meanwhile, Agent Miller drives to Cancer Man’s abode and saves Mulder’s butt. Just as they arrive back in Washington and the vaccine, an alien craft appears overhead and ...the credits roll.

I assume that means “X-Files: Season 10” is on its way (although IMDb is already calling this Season 10…).

Is this a good thing? I’m not sure. This little run down memory lane has underscored all the things I both liked and hated about the show. If a new season does eventuate, does this mean that I’m going to be enjoying two out of every six episodes, for a – roughly – 30% approval rate? The inclusion of Miller and Einstein in the last two eps didn’t convince me that they’d make good replacements for Duchovny and Anderson if those two decided to fade into the background once more. Miller is a walking haircut with no personality and Einstein is a badly-named caricature of Scully without the acting chops to really pull it off. As a foursome they did okay; but Miller and Einstein ain’t Scully and Mulder.

I think this “event” has done little more than urge me to re-visit “The Night Stalker” and watch “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose” once more. Apart from that – meh.

Three tentacled horrors.

Review: "Grimm - Season 2"

CARPENTER, Stephen, David Gereenwalt & Jim Kouf, Creators, “Grimm – Season Two”, 2012-13, Universal Studios.

I’ve recently realised the reason why I have such strong initial antipathy to watching this show: the main character on the front cover of the DVD packaging looks an awful lot like the kid who plays Merlin in the eponymous TV show, and the gung-ho brandishing of bipennis weaponry adds to the overall medieval effect. Whenever I contemplate taking a dip in this quagmire my brain goes “hold on – we don’t watch kids’ shows”. And then I opt for something else instead. Like “Arrow”. Or “Flash”. (Don’t judge...)

(Actually, when you get into this show, the main character of Nick Burkhardt looks nothing like the Merlin kiddie, but rather the hunky-dory tough-guy cop that the script calls for. I guess all the Photoshop action on the packaging is just working against him...)

In this season of “Grimm”, David Giuntoli is called upon to do a lot more than what he accomplished in Season One. In the first season (where everyone was saddled with bad haircuts) Dave acted like a robot with emotions that were clicked on and off like a switch was being worked somewhere; in this run around the block, he manages to segue more smoothly through the drama, matching the action with much more believable responses. It struck me that there is a weird tension in this character: on the one hand, he’s supposed to be a no-nonsense cop; on the other, he’s supposed to be every woman’s dream partner. It’s a hard act to pull off and I get the impression that Giuntoli likes the one and does his best to endure the other.

His partner Hank Griffin (Russell Hornsby) is back and duly whips his shirt off whenever required. Nothing has changed here. I started to get irritated whenever he and Nick kick in doors and stride into houses ready to pop caps: they both go into a half crouch with their guns held out in front of them and tip their heads sideways. Is this normal? I mean, surely if you hold your head up straight you’ll see better and be able to comprehend what you’re seeing to a greater degree. Try walking through your own house like this; you’ll see what I mean.

I had hoped that the CGI puppet heads of the Wesen characters, that show up whenever they “woge”, would have taken a quantum leap forward in expertise and look somewhat passable – nope. Nothing to see here. Or rather, all the wrong kinds of things to see. Try to ignore it.

Once more the ‘gun’ characters form a core network of entertainment quite apart from the police action: Monroe and Rosalee (Silas Weir Mitchell and Bree Turner), Sergeant Wu (Reggie Lee), Bud the Eisbiber (Danny Bruno), and Juliette (Bitsie Tulloch) - Nick’s amnesiac one-time vet girlfriend - are all back and having a ball with things. My only criticism is that Juliette is saddled with her memory-loss and misdirected romantic feelings for “Prince (not so) Charming” Captain Renard for most of the season, and her usual dry wit and sly humour gets canned for most of the show in favour of a hesitant school-marm persona that just isn’t a good look on her. Thankfully, by the season’s end, she’s back, firing on all cylinders, and – as a bonus – completely au fait with the Wesen world and Nick’s place within it.

I was pleasantly surprised by the developments that took place with Captain Renard (Sasha Roiz) in this season. Like Hank, he seems to get his shirt off quite a lot, but I can forgive him since he does actual stuff as well, unlike Mr. Griffin. Having been set up as the local villain last season, the expanding intrigue of the Royal Houses in Europe sees him make some unexpected and very interesting decisions which align him quite strongly with Nick and his buddies, rather than trying to oppose them. Of all the main characters, Renard is definitely the brooder and, having ditched his hat of black, the grey replacement is a far better fit for him.

(On the down side, every time we cross to Vienna to see Renard’s brother Eric’s latest villainy, the scene is subtitled with the disclaimer “Vienna, Austria”. I’m guessing this is so we don’t think we’re looking at “Vienna, Rhode Island”, or “Vienna, Wyoming”, but seriously – is there anywhere outside mainland USA where this kind of mistake would reasonably take place? “Vienna” will do, people; believe it or not, we know where that is and we know what you mean.)

Once more I’m left wondering what kind of abilities a Grimm has, apart from being able to see a Wesen for what they are when they freak out. In one episode, a Tsetse fly Wesen creature comes to town invading grief counselling groups in search of the tears which act upon him like opiates. Unfortunately, while licking the eyeballs of his victims, he passes on hideous barbed worms which permanently blind them – I kid you not. In the course of the episode, Nick becomes temporarily blind and discovers that his hearing is preternaturally sharp, finally taking out the bad guy without needing to see him at all. Sadly, having made this point about Nick’s ears, the fact is dumped and forgotten about entirely for the remaining episodes. There’s a lack of focus about Nick that’s becoming painfully obvious as time rolls on...

Good things about this show are that the police procedural bits – unlike “Sleepy Hollow” – form a basis for the action, and justice – real, non-supernatural, non-head-lopping, non-spell-casting justice – needs to be seen to be done by the end of each instalment. This attention to detail is a plus for the show, even though I suspect there’s a lot of grumbling in the background about just ‘magicking the boring stuff away’. The fact that the magical stuff sits firmly in a mundane world is what helps ground this particular drama.

There is a point that I’d like to raise about this show which I found deeply disturbing. In the new credits for Season Two, it’s strongly implied that Adolf Hitler was a cranky Wesen who pushed all the wrong buttons. A cut scene of a Blutbad morphing into A.H. happens during the credits for the first three or so episodes, before being ditched for the rest of the run. I assume that some other people – like me – found the absolving of Europe’s genocidal dark times by saying “oh, it wasn’t really a person behind it all; it was just a monster” deeply disturbing and had them yank it. That doesn’t stop them strongly implying that Jeffrey Dahmer was some kind of undercover beastie also at another point. Listen: people do bad stuff; people who live in what we take for granted as enlightened, reasonable and accountable societies like that in which we believe we live. You can’t rewrite, debunk or trivialise history – even on a fantasy platform – just to make people feel better about themselves. That way lies Snoop Dogg and his ongoing belief that Game of Thrones is real medieval history...

To lighten up a bit by way of a conclusion, again, there’s too much bad German and creaky rationalising, backed up by dodgy-looking books of lore (which, although penned by Grimms across the centuries, are all illustrated by the same person), but the 100% effort thrown at the vehicle by the majority of the people involved helps enormously in bringing the concept home. This is a show which is having a lot of fun with itself and which is starting to spread – like some kind of mystical rhizome – into some very intriguing areas. You definitely need to shut your higher brain functions off and just watch the pretty people (while ignoring the bad CGI), but it’s turning into a very amusing ride...

Two-and-a-half tentacled horrors.