There’s
nothing as restorative as a good hot shower and a close shave. I wiped away the
mist from the bathroom mirror and gazed upon myself re-born. Or re-spawned,
whatever. I straightened my tie and flashed myself a razor grin. As I left the
bathroom, I heard a faint whirring sound that piqued my interest.
‘Rodney,’
I called, ‘is that you?’
Beyond
the bead curtain in the kitchen, Rodney’s screen blinked in to life. ‘Is that
me what?’ he asked.
‘Never
mind,’ I said, ‘I think it’s coming from out front.’
I
tiptoed through the mess in my front room and peered out through the venetian
blinds. Out on the front lawn was a little fellow in a black mackintosh. He’d
unearthed the lawn mower from wherever it had vanished to and was busily
clearing the grass in the grey morning rain.
‘Now,
what the hell is this?’ I muttered.
I
wandered out onto the front porch and stood at the top of the steps. The
guttering along the front of the house was trying, but not quite succeeding, in
directing the flow of the rain, so I had to find a position where I could see
the busy gardener without an intervening wall of water.
‘Hey
buddy!’ I yelled, ‘what gives?’
By
way of reply he ducked his head and gave me a quick wave of his hand. Then he went
straight back to work. Grumpily, I went back inside and grabbed an umbrella
from the stand just inside the door. Most of these don’t work, since we tenants
tend to view the umbrella stand as a place where they go to die, rather than a
convenient storage area, but I found a white, colourfully polka-dotted one that
would serve.
Outside,
I strode across the newly mown hay and moved in front of the mower; I put one
foot on the front of it and stopped the little man’s progress sharply. From
this vantage point, I took him in more clearly: he stood about five feet tall
and was completely veiled in the plastic raincoat which had been designed with
someone much larger in mind. The sleeves had been tidily folded and wrapped
around his wrists before being gaffe-taped into place. Nestled within his hood,
his face was like a cheery apple, with round ruddy cheeks and squinty eyes; a
pencil thin moustache traced the line of his upper lip. A look of
disappointment creased his features, and he sadly pushed at the mower a couple
of times to try and get it moving again.
‘Look
pal,’ I said, ‘I appreciate the handiwork, and Dagon knows the lawn needed a
trim, but who are you and why are you doing this?’
He
beamed up at me and waggled an admonishing finger. ‘No, no, no,’ he said
chirpily, ‘I’m not the One You Need To Talk To. Treat me as though I’m Not Here.’
I
blinked at him. ‘Not possible buddy,’ I said, ‘you’re demonstrably present and
engaged in mowing my front lawn, a task for which, if you’re expecting payment,
you’ll be sadly disappointed.’
Again
with the finger-wagging. ‘The Task is necessary,’ he said, ‘in order to
facilitate the Arrival. I am merely the Opener of the Way, not the One Who
Comes.’
I
was getting a headache; the beneficial after-effects of a hot shower and shave
were rapidly fading into the past.
‘Who’s
coming?’ I asked; ‘Why are they coming?’
He
shrugged and flashed me a sad, commiserating smile. ‘These things are not Mine
To Know,’ he said, ‘I am merely the...’
‘...Opener
of the Way. I heard.’ I looked around, ‘Can I ask you why this has to happen
here?’
He
nodded excitedly and twiddled his fingers on the lawn mower’s handle. ‘Ooh
yes,’ he said, ‘that’s easily answered. It is at this point that the Veils
between this reality and the Akashic Record are at their most permeable. It
might have served our Purpose to be closer to the centre of this settlement,
but the forces here create a Certain Expediency...’
I
clenched my jaw and glared up at Mrs. Pettifer’s window. ‘Okay, so it has be
here. But this One...’
‘...The
One Who Comes...’
‘Yeah
that guy: who’s he expecting to see when he gets here?’
‘Ooh!
That’s easy,’ the little fellow beamed again, ‘a Representative of Your Kind.’
‘A
rep...? You mean just anyone who lives in Innsmouth?’
‘No,
no, no,’ he contradicted whilst wagging, ‘specifically, one of. Your. Kind.’
The
emphasis was not lost on me. I rubbed my face with my free hand. This was yet
another bizarre link in an ever-growing chain of crazy that seemed to be intent
on enveloping me no matter what I did to try and avoid it. I took my foot off
the front of the mower.
‘Okay,’
I said, ‘Whatever. At the very least I get my lawn mowed, so there’s the
upside.’ I stepped aside and the little man twinkled at me before launching
into his work once more. I stalked back inside and ransacked the kitchen until
I found an unopened pack of cigarettes.
‘What’s
going on?’ queried Rodney as I got ready to go outside once more.
‘I’m
negotiating with the gardener,’ I growled
Rodney
whistled. ‘Wow: servants. Aren’t we swanky?’
‘Go
surf the Deep Net, Rodney,’ I snarled and barrelled my way through the bead
curtain.
Outside,
I was surprised to see that the Opener had completed the mowing. Now, he was
setting up some kind of intricate apparatus, a device of wheels, tubes and
mirrors that emerged piece by piece from inside a black plastic trunk. I smoked
grumpily as I watched him and then saw him give his work a self-satisfied nod.
Turning to me, he walked up the front stairs and handed me a type-written sheet
of paper, in a plastic sleeve to keep it out of the rain.
‘You
should look this over before the One To Whom It Refers arrives,’ he said. He
moved to one side and stood contentedly with his arms behind his back, humming
quietly and swaying gently up and down on the balls of his rubber-booted feet.
I clamped my cigarette in my mouth and squinted through the smoke at the page
before me. It went like this:
“We hereby notify the
Receiver of this Missive, of the impending Arrival of its Issuer, in accordance
with the Arrangement previously discussed.
‘You
guys sure like to capitalise, don’t you?’ I looked over at him; he simpered by
way of an answer.
The Purpose of this
Meeting, as outlined in that previous Conference, is the enacting of a Transaction
for Mutual Benefit between all Parties. The Issuer’s Good Faith in this matter
can be inferred by the Difficulties experienced in manifesting their Arrival.
It is earnestly to be hoped
that there shall be no Reneging of the Bargain, or Waiving of the Agreement by
any of the Parties united under this Contract, as such Activity will generate
Ill Will and General Consternation.
Given the Haste in which
this Arrival has been organised, the Issuer cannot be held responsible for any
Activity by the Hounds of Tindalos which may result.”
‘“Hounds
of Tindalos”?’ I looked over at the Opener. He mildly shrugged his shoulders
and kept on humming.
Suddenly,
there was a bright flash and an enormous cracking sound. The air above the
front yard warped and pulsed and disgorged an enormous writhing thing before
me. The eruption blew my cigarette out of my hand and rattled the dead
hydrangeas.
‘This
day is just getting better and better...’ I muttered.
To
Be Continued...
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